Sit Down. Shut Up.

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It's No Honeymoon

Bang! Zoom! To the moon! I wish it were that easy...

Are you a chick?
Do you have a tough time finding dates?
Are you looking for that perfect guy?
Do you need help?

Then call 1-800-SIT-DOWN-SHUT-UP.

Really. It's an actual number. His name is "Rosebud" who'll come over to your home and tear out your leg hairs, one by one, until you promise to shut the hell up. All free of charge.

Now, why would I go through all of this trouble to give you this special offer? Because if I hear another chick complain about not getting a date, I swear that I'll grab the damn tweezers and punish my own legs.

Girls have it so easy, it's not even funny.

Do you think guys actually care about how neat your hair is? Do you think they notice toenail polish? Do you think they remember if that's the same outfit you wore three months ago? No. Details like that are just insignificant and stupid.

If you know guys live in dorms infested with colonies of muskrat-sized bacteria eating away at the drywall, how does it make sense that they even possibly care about the little details of your fashion statement?

So while chicks are so occupied with perking up their hair, they fail to realize the real things that make the date work.

Guys are milling away in the background making reservations. Making sure their car isn't an empty beer bottle depot. Hanging post it notes all over the place with important dates such as girlfriend's cat's birthday. Making sure they insist on paying for everything. Making sure they don't actually say what's on their minds. Making sure that they do the gentlemen thing like opening doors for chicks because we believe that chicks don't have two hands. (That's to all you feminists. You want us to open doors for you, but you want to be treated equally. Why don't guys toss in their souls to sweeten the deal... I mean, you already control our happiness!)... and the list goes on...

Girls don't have to lower their standards.

You see, guys know perfectly where they stand. They know their status in the dating scene. It's sort of like the Cub Scouts. For example, I know for a fact that I've earned the Endless Pit Into Eternal Damnation Badge of Useless Courage. I know that the only dates I'll ever get are with gay men or a chick who feels pity for me. Hence, Skanky Susan in Crackhouse #69 will be as good as it gets.

But chicks on the other hand get to choose which guy they want. It's true that they can't choose from the WHOLE selection (unless their at the top), but they get many chances to grab a handful of guys above them. Why? Guys are always looking for a date, so there's fifteen males for every chick. And so, the leftovers always trickle down and down and down where Susan is waiting.

So the nice guys like us have to swamp through the slime. We never go for a chick that's above us, because it's a lost cause. So we search endlessly below us and find out every cool chick thereafter is involved with a jerk.


The whole point is, it's all up to the chicks. Guys can only make the date go smoothly and offer their souls. But for it to even progress anywhere, unfortunately, chicks make the ultimate choice.

And you wonder why married men are always drunk in bars.