Sit Down. Shut Up.

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The Guy-Friend

I think I'm going to scream.

As each day passes, I'm more and more assured that there is something obviously wrong with me with this whole girl issue. I'm not talking about getting some girl in the sack or having my own personal harem. No. I'm talking about a connection.

Beats the hell out of me how to define a "connection." It's a feeling that you get when you're with someone who's special. Someone who gives you that tingle. Hell, if some of you can relate to me, it's that tingle you get when you're running home in the darkness with a street sign under your arms. That's the tingle.

I have a few friends who I was, and still am, somewhat attracted to. And of those handful, almost all of them wouldn't give me the time of day towards a relationship. Wait a minute. Scratch that. I'm not even looking for a deep relationship anymore. I think I'm at the point where a date would keep me happy for another year. And I do mean a real date... not one where I and another girl just hang out.

This girl-fast that I've been on is really screwing with my mind.

Although I've never formally asked any of them out, I poked at the subject, and I've got the notion that they couldn't be any less interested. Now don't think I do this often, but I did ask somebody why these people wouldn't want to take a friendship with me to a further stage. She told me that she had a little secret, that she thought I was totally hot and that she wanted to take me then and there. Then we continued to give each other deep passionate kisses all through the night.

Inflatable chicks have feelings too.

Well maybe not. But... if I closed my eyes and wished really hard... it... probably still wouldn't have of happened. Actually, she told me not to take it personally because most girls value a good healthy friendship with a guy-friend over dating some weirdo.

So let me get this straight. You want to spend your romantic evenings drooling over some random guy you picked out at the theatre line??? You want to tell your secrets and spend many hours with some guy who possibly has an occupation of, I don't know... pimping he-shes??? Why haven't I been randomly chosen?

But she did go on to tell me that I was a nice guy. NICE GUY. Great. I mean, I like knowing that I'm a nice guy to all these girls but it's unbelievably depressing. That means that I'm "too nice to go out on a romantic date." I'm that guy you can be totally comfortable with, trust with your heart, and appreciate enough to hang out whenever we get the chance but not nice enough to receive a passionate kiss

Well that further proves that babes love jerks.

So go on... tell me the truth. Tell me that you've heard a rumor that I have disgusting eye boogers and have three unclassified types of STDs. Tell me that your parents get to choose which DNA structures you're allowed to intermingle with and I've been black-listed. But don't tell me I'm "too nice of a guy." Geez. What type of bullshit reasoning is that?

Do I have to punch somebody in the face to get a date?

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This guy might have the golden solution! (Though I have my doubts)- submitted by Mike