Sit Down. Shut Up.

Sit Down. Shut Up. Index | The Case Part III | Bitter-Sweet Losers

Beautiful People 101

Let's take a crash course...

Despite what the masses believe, nature never intended us to be beautiful. Nature didn't intend us to have symmetrical faces, mascara or push-up bras. Mother Nature didn't intend hairless chicks, slim eyebrows and perfect teeth similar to how she intends never to make an intelligent asshole.

It looks like fun.

If I was a total weirdo, I'd probably be that lonely male audience member watching a taping of the Oprah show. And I'd rather be that lonely male than join the millions of guys who watch Jenny Jones's "Let's Interview Another Slut" re-run. Seriously, who wants to watch beautiful people complain about how they're too sexy for everyone? I'm wondering, why the hell did they pay $5000 for a boob job if it's going to make them unhappy? A second reason why I hate these bimbos is how all of their pathetic lives, they've been so narrow-minded to the point where life just can't go on until they physically distort their bodies because some kid in fourth grade called them fat. It's a truly sad story. Really... I mean, REAL sad.

Don't get me wrong, beautiful people are fun to look at. But doesn't it suck if you're not one of them?

I'll tell it to you straight. I'm a 5'11, average-looking, skinny guy. I'm definitely nothing to drool at. So it sucks to be me. And probably sucks to be you too. I mean, how am I or anyone else like me supposed to compete with someone who's hot? It's already a lost battle.

Let's take a scenario. Say you're taking your seventh LSAT and the future of you becoming a rich lawyer or you becoming an ice cream truck driver depends on this final logic question. In other words, actually think about this one before you answer.

"There's a random chick at the mall. Butt Ugly a.k.a. SuperGrover, and a Latino heartthrob both ask her out on a date. What most logically happens?"

a) She'll go out Mr. Latino Hotstuff.
b) She'll go out with me.
c) We find out she has a boyfriend.
d) We find out she's a nun.
e) All of the above.

It's quite obvious that she'll go out with Mr. Latino Hotstuff even if she's involved or if she's banished from the convent. And quite logically, the poor girl will realize she's made a mistake when Mr. Latino Hotstuff beats her with a two by four after he impregnates her. Then she'll continue making the same mistake with Mr. Yummy Caucasian or Samuel L. Jackson. Then after she has exhausted herself of assholes, maybe after fifteen years, she'll call me up and ask me to push her wheelchair. This is similar to how Mrs. Bitchy Jenny left Mr. Forrest Gump with a child to raise after she had sex with the United States. By the way, for you morons, the answer is E (all of the above).

An essential part of any football team...

The beautiful pretend that they like a person for who they are... that's utter bullshit. Beautiful people don't care about qualities, they care about how tight of an ass you have. They just say that politically correct garbage because their pre-school teacher said, "It's the nice thing to say" and it does make you appear somewhat more friendly. Beautiful people understand that any relationship they enter is only for sex, and that only lasts for a few dates, so actually getting to know their "loved one" doesn't matter after all. Communication is what beautiful people refer to as "foreplay."

Of course I'm the opposite. Of course I look towards the inner beauty, not only because I chose this belief, but it's partially because I was forced into it. If I was born with great genetics, I'd probably become the biggest asshole on the face of this planet. Everyday I'd wake up and think, "Damn I'm sexy. I think I'll go to city hall and demand that they build a holy sanctuary in memory of my amazing chest."

So if your one of many normal or ugly people like me, I'll make a toast for you. For those exceptions a.k.a. beautiful people, I'll make a toast to you to. I mean, you actually spent time out of your day to hate me. Thank you and best wishes to you. *clink*