Sit Down. Shut Up. Index | It's No Honeymoon | The Critics

Recently, I've been in an extremely mellow mood. For the past couple of weeks I've been pumping out electronica music through my veins, floating admist a whirlwind of inner ecstacy and spending two hours everyday with flashlights doing my own one man rave. I've been reading political magazines like crazy, delving into a few good philosophical books, carving out huge chunks of clay into cavmen and I still manage to fit in my daily dosage of quality TV shows such as Batman Beyond and Malcolm in the Middle.

All of this personal time has made me realize something.
People just talk to damn much.

For once, shut you yapper and listen to all of the people constantly talking. Yadda yadda yadda. What is up with people who always have to say something? For some reason, I just can't stand it.

I know I seem contradictory. I love to socialize and I love people who can carry a conversation. But I can't stand people who have nothing of importance to say but are flapping their fat lips all the freaking time.

Yet, I've concluded that there are the three major cults that have failed the Shut the Hell Up Test.

1) Cocky Bastards. If there's one thing that pisses me off about insolent bastards is how egotistical they are. I hate cocky guys. Either they ought to get an education or they suffer from small penis envy. And you know what they say about guys with small penis envy... it's the appetizer towards some main course spousal abuse. Anyway, cock bastards always have to make a wise ass comment to show off how cool they are.

Perhaps it's not the person (ok, so it is... but let's go along with this idea). It's the retarded stories that they tell! How many times do I have to hear about some guy who fended off police brutality with martial arts and a cigarette lighter then proceeded to make sweet love to a sexy woman cop in the backseat? You got a speeding ticket. Your life doesn't involve obscure fantasies. Your life isn't Hollywood. DEAL WITH IT.

Not only won't they shut up, but it's expected that they have to act like a badass. It's like the horse and the carriage. Ketchup and fries. Tarzan and Cheetah. So they'll wear expensive clothes fit for the shoppers at Big & Tall, adorn themselves with hardware supplies (which they like to refer to as "jewlery"), walk as if they have a broken kneecap and skewer their facial expression like Walter Mathau on a bad day. But behind closed doors, in the middle of a rich ass Jewish neighborhood, daddy has bought his little baby boy a Porsche Boxster while mommy is at home making the bed for her little "Sweet Pea."

2) Real, full fledged badasses. I can't blame them. At least the walk matches the talk.

3) Women. Period.

Don't get me wrong, some people are good at making useless comments. People who just say the funniest things at the right times are always welcomed. But for the most part, most guys are just morons. It's an obsession. It's as if they have to prove something. Attention seekers. Fighting for vocal territory.

Honestly, who gave you permission to talk?

People like me have to put up with stupid remarks because evidently the whole world loves hearing a shitload of crap everyday.

Does anybody ever notice that usually the people with the most important things to say aren't the ones who always share what's on their minds? Do you want to know why? It's because they know they're complacent in being intellectual and thoughtful. Then they see how utterly retarded everybody is and they'd rather say nothing than be a moron who won't close his piehole.